The dead who have a heart beat

What a tragic weekend. Upsetting yes. I know that I am hardened by my job a bit...that my humor has changed although most of me protests it. If I didn't, I would not have survived. How could I? Two patients I took care of were dead. Yes they were breathing and had a heart beat, but that is about it. I have to ask myself...why? Why did their families allow them to suffer for so long like this? The only other responses out of them is a grimace to pain as they are turned while the other occasionally will just start shaking his head no...seeming to scream..."I'm done! I'm hurting! Stop!". So you try to make them comfortable and give them pain meds, but you know in the long run you are taking care of some of their last hours. Thankfully, both families after weeks have decided to finally let their loved ones go...but I hope it's not too late. Blank stares with eyes open yet glaze...I wonder if they can hear me? I try talking to them, but it’s so hard. Both wives and families don't even come to visit! Not a single one all weekend long! These dying men, left to themselves. How terrible. So I don't think about it...I just provide the loving care as best as I know how…kind of like taking care of an overgrown doll.

Another patient…already dead…face blue…blood coming out of mouth…yet still has a faint heart beat. She’s been without oxygen for too long. Heart slows down…family won’t let her go…more epi…more atropine…more cpr…she is back…well sort of…her heart is beating…but she’s not there. The family is praying for God to heal her…I can hear them out in the hall. Yes…God can heal her but will he? He would literally have to bring her back from the dead! She’s in her 60’s. Yes that is younger, but what a mess! Does the family know they are offering up a curse? They don’t understand. Unless God completely healed her…even if we stabilized her heart and blood pressure…she would be a vegetable…nothing more. Why do they torture themselves…seeing their mother in such a terrible state? Alarms and tubes and blood and shouting and pain…it would have been so much more peaceful to die with family all there letting her go…instead it will probably be a war death…fighting and fighting with beeps and strangers till her heart finally says no more.

Yes, I am more distance from pain in some ways...but not really...I just have a different perspective. It might sound terrible to wish for death for a patient, but you haven't seen what I have seen...the agony and pain....the body without a spirit...how could you wish to keep on going? I used to think there was much more of an ethical dilemma when taking someone off a ventilator...(there are in a few cases), but mostly there is none. I guess I have hardened my heart in one way so unexpected...to keep nursing and caring for those patients whose families won't let them go.