I just held her hand

This weekend was filled with many emotions.

I think I realize how much I love smiles. One patient that I had both last weekend and this...he just always smiled. How can one smile when you are on a vent and trapped to a bed? I really don't know, but he did. How can one keep such a good attitude? But he did. I think he is one of my favoirte patients and I hope he gets well...all the way better and never smokes again.

Then there was another one...a man whose life is forever changed. A clot to the head and this talkative, active middle age man is slient except for "yah" or the occasional blurred words. His wife is prepare, but not really. How can you not just cry yourself to sleep?

A lady...I never really knew her, but there I was...watching her die. So sad. She was an older lady, but death? Already? She wanted off the vent and it was clearly in her living will. Her heart had stop at the begining of my shift and we got her back with a few meds and some pushing on her chest...but she was done. I wonder if she realized that when she squeezed her son's hand affirmatively, she would not live past the night. Did she know she would die? How could her son walk away...not even saying goodbye? I know...he was grieving in his own way. I wish I could have talked him into staying. So there I stood...and although the doctor ordered it...it was me who told respiratory to pull out the tube and it was me who stopped the Neosyn which was keeping her BP elevated. I wish she would have spoken as I held her hand. All the interaction was me giving her a drop of water before she slipped into a deep sleep. I held one hand and the pastor the other...part of me even wonders why I called him though. Have you ever seen someone die? It just happens... Attempting to offer words of hope and singing songs to this stranger. Who was she? What was she like? Her family doctor said she was one of her "favorites" as tears gathered in her eyes. A phone call to the son...he talked on the phone to his dying mother...you could tell she heard for her breathing increased and she had a facial expression...then it was down hill. I held her hand for an hour...her heart was strong...and she slowly slipped away little by little. When does the soul leave? I really don't know. But I held her hand and the tears in my eyes....no family by her side...no ceremony or event...alone...she died...and the world didn't stop...it barely knew she was gone...and I just held her hand

19 year old boy

I worked extra this week...came in for just a few hours, but ended up staying more. How can you leave with a family distraught and people crying in agony? Their grandson with CP was dying...and they had made him a no code. I couldn't quite understand it all because well...his quality of life wasn't so great...he could barely say ''yes'' or ''no'' at full capacity and was so dependant upon his family, but they loved him so much. His Grandfather was literally loosing it. How could I help? What could I do. The tears and boxes and boxes of tissues. The pastor came, but I guess the Grandfather isn't a Christian and it wasn't helping him. So I tried to get someone else to talk to him...a pastor at the hospital because well...they are supposed to be good for all religons and I had to tell him not to speak of Christianty to the Grandfather...what? I guess it was my choice. It just seems wrong...so confussing...maybe this was the Grandfather's chance to accept Jesus...but I didn't want him to be forced into it and he needed support. Was this playing God? So confussing. That was last night. I wonder how the boy is doing. He was so young. Wonder if he is still hanging on. So much love there was for him. I don't understand. And there I was...feeling numb and well...half way immune to their cries. But at the same time my heart went out to the living...I wanted to do all I could to help them...help ease their pain. That's why I stayed longer...how can you just leave like that? You can't!